Realising.

Feeling a thousand times better today.
Had a really long and honest talk with a friend who helped me make peace with a lot of things in my life and also helped make me see things from a different perspective.
I needed a big shake to realise I was stuck in a very dark cycle of thoughts that was interfering with my life in a massive way.
It isn’t a magical spell, I’m still going to struggle, but gaining an alternative perspective on a lot of my problems really helped.
Sometimes I just need to be taken out of my own head for a moment, to be able to see a more realistic way of dealing with things, and also stop putting so much damn pressure upon myself.
I always get so distraught because I convince myself everyone is disappointed in me and thinks I’m a failure. I started to really resent and distance myself from those closest to me because of this. It took me today to realise that nobody thinks that, it’s all projection because my self esteem is not where it should be.
People really do care and support me, I’m just afraid to accept their love because they might leave, so I’ve been pushing everyone away in really extreme ways and blaming them for views they never even had of me.
It’s not me vs everyone, it’s just been me vs myself the entire time.
I wrote down something to remind me of this realistic perspective for when I’m upset or splitting, to help the situation from escalating, to stop myself from isolating myself from those who love me.
I’ve been treated awfully in my past and I’ve been treating those around me like strangers because I’ve never accepted that they don’t have bad intentions towards me, that they don’t hate me, don’t want to criticise or hurt me.
I’ve been almost punishing them for the mistakes people made in my childhood and that isn’t fair.
How I have been feeling and reacting is normal for what I’m trying to process right now but I see how badly I need the therapy I’m awaiting. How the abuse I’ve been through growing up puts a massive strain on my current relationships as an adult.

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Grief

I just wish I could disappear, fade into nothing.
I feel so empty and I’m just tired of hoping it’ll get better.
I’m faking smiles and enthusiasm every day.
Even if I have a good day, what is that next to six awful ones?
I really do try and keep a positive outlook but it’s just exhausting.
I don’t even know if any of my happiness is real or just forced.
There’s so much I’m just struggling to process or not processing at all.
I really stopped wanting to be involved in life when my mum left it and I guess that’s still how it is, despite how much I try to say it isn’t. Our bond was so strong, literally to the point where I just feel hollow without her. It’s not even like I can reach out to her, I couldn’t take the rejection. Even if she doesn’t reject me, I’d still be letting myself down, “oh, I know you’re choosing to stay married to the man who abused me but can we still have a relationship?” That would never work.
She’s not even dead but I’m grieving like she is.
That’s obviously far from my only issue emotionally but what if everything else is just amplified because of it?
I don’t know, never feel like I’m “coping”, just passively floating through life without ever really being present in it.
Sure, I’m on all these different waiting lists but help isn’t readily available.
More and more I question what my purpose is. Does my life have any meaning? Do I actually mean anything to anyone or am I simply just there?
I’m sure I’ll feel different tomorrow, maybe I’m not fighting as hard as I should be.

?

I hope when you think of me,

You feel sick to your fucking stomach.

I hope you feel nausea and fear.

I hope there isn’t a second that goes by that you don’t remember what you did to me,

I hope you despise yourself.

The days I feel too ashamed to look into a mirror,

When I feel dirty, weak, and vulnerable,

I cry and pray that you feel the same suicidal urges I do.

Forgiveness is a difficult concept, isn’t it? It’s often believed to be cathartic,

But I don’t want to forgive you.

I want you to feel pain,

I want you to suffer with insomnia like I do,

Nightmares so vivid they filter into your waking hours too.

You changed an innocent girl,

I feel alone and empty,

I will never trust people again.

I will never forget your words,

Your filthy fucking hands,

The destruction you have caused.

The innocent girl now has violent thoughts,

She dreams of the day you can’t live with yourself anymore,

When you can’t run from what you have done,

Who you have hurt.

And maybe you’ll break,

You’ll feel that agony every one of your victims has felt.

You pour yourself another drink,

But this time your alcoholism can’t mask who you are,

And you have to face yourself.

And I will fucking rejoice when I hear the news of you smashing that one last bottle of beer, taking a shard of glass, and weeping as you slice your own throat.

You are an abuser,

And you will continue to spread your toxicity,

I know that.

My mother,

The funny, strong, independent beauty,

The woman I aspired to be,

I still love her and remember who she once was.

I remember how she’d sing as she washed the dishes,

Completely and sweetly lost in her own little world.

Now she feels ashamed and embarrassed to lose herself,

Your bitter words stop the freedom of her mind,

Your anger reminds her that she is no longer free.

My brother and sister,

So young but far from naive,

No older than 11 but still they would rather play outside than be in the home.

But I was older than them when you entered my life,

They have had you since their birth,

They no nothing different.

Your rage and verbal abuse is just typical to them,

To be expected,

And those around them normalise it.

You focus your torment on my sister, what is it about women that makes you so aggressive?

My brother, when we were last together, was the product of his environment,

An easily provoked anger,

An inability to regulate emotions,

A tendency to lash out- sometimes physically. Hitting, slapping, punching his friends.

What is their future?

We all live with the consequences of your treatment and actions,

When will you be held accountable?

The police gave you no more than a stern talk,

Social services didn’t probe.

I bet that made you feel smug, didn’t it?

Made you feel powerful that you evaded any repercussions,

Made you feel invincible.

One day your bubble will burst,

You’ll slip up,

Make a mistake.

You’ll become too arrogant,

People will start to question more.

You made a mistake in doubting my strength,

I spoke out,

And I won’t be silenced,

And I’ll be waiting for the day the world you’ve created around you collapses.

I will love and support my mother and siblings in a way you never could,

I will pick up the pieces and remind them that they are worthy of a good life.

Once they’re free from your grasp,

I will dedicate myself to making sure they never lose their happiness and pride for a fat, small minded, racist waste of oxygen like you.

 

 

February Blues.

Fucking sigh.
Today is a “meh” kinda day.
Last night’s thoughts weighing upon me.
Plus, it’s my mom’s birthday today. Despite how ridiculously toxic she’s proven herself to be, I still feel really weird about not speaking to her today. I don’t know why, she abandoned me a year ago and you know, has been nothing but a cunt.
Maybe I have this pathetic, subconscious desire for her to turn around one day and be like, “I left him, I did the right thing for myself, you, and your brother and sister and we can all be a real family again! I’m sorry for everything, sorry for what he put you through, and sorry for what you have to live with because of it”
Yeah, definitely delusional. Never going to happen.
I feel so inadequate, like, why am I bothering to be around anyone? Of course I’m just pushing people away because of these abandonment issues.
Had my biological father lose interest in seeing me at age 11 (well, from 3 but he sort of bothered with contact for a few years on and off) and yeah, it still hurts but he’s not a great person anyway. I established contact to see if I’d have any different feelings about him. I don’t. He’s nothing but lies, ego, and excuses. We have VERY little in common, aside from physical looks. He’s misogynistic, racist, homophobic.. Everything I can’t stand. It was probably a huge bullet dodged not being raised closely by him, who knows who I would’ve become?
Still, with my mum fucking me off out of her life for the sake of an abusive alcoholic doesn’t exactly help with my abandonment issues.
In a way, I feel like it just confirms that no matter what I do, no matter who I try to be, nobody will ever truly put me first. Or really love me. Or want to stick around long term.
Words mean pretty much nothing to me but I’d say actions don’t either (which isn’t really fair of me) because I just think everyone’s lying anyway.
Then, the icing on the cake, my friend of 10+ years just ditches me over a minor disagreement. Even her mother doesn’t agree with how she’s treated me (she’s a wonderful woman who I’ve always considered a good friend also).
It’s not really much of a wonder why I developed attachment disorder (and I suppose, bpd).

No Hope.

Here we go again, another typing, mundane rant about how shit I’m feeling. Probably likely to be followed tomorrow by how I’m feeling so much better and want to remain positive. Rinse and repeat.
I feel so nauseous, my anxiety is really bad. SH thoughts still there. I feel completely overwhelmed and stuck in my own skin, I would love nothing more than to tear it off, just so I don’t have to be associated with myself and anything related. What a mental thought. Maybe I am mental.
I can feel resentment bubbling away inside of me and a desperate need to push everyone the fuck away from me.
Too much responsibility, feel like I must be responsible for everyone’s happiness, and a deep guilt for bringing everyone down.
Struggling with facing myself in the mirror. God, I am fucking sickening. So hideous. Absolute embarrassment.
And sure, I could try and talk about it but nobody really ever quite gets it. Or they’re probably sick of hearing my self hatred speeches for the millionth time.
I am worthless and I’m certain (okay, paranoid) that everyone sees that and takes advantage and obviously, when people deny that, I think they’re lying and trying to manipulate me. How sick is that? Or maybe it isn’t. Maybe people do see a vulnerability and use it for their own gain. How to know?
Keep sleeping as much as possible because then I don’t have to face anything.
I am REALLY not doing well but is there anyone who thinks I’m being sincere and their first thought isn’t, “here we go again”
I feel small and insignificant. I not only feel like I’m not an important part in the world but even in my own life I feel inconsequential.
And most of all, I’m completely replaceable. That’s what I’m feeling most of all. That whether it’s tomorrow, next year, 5 years.. I’ll eventually have nobody.
I just want to scream at someone to help me right now but I just stay silent. It’s just a burden. I’m just a burden.

Remember This.

Whether it be a friend, family member or partner, never allow anyone to make you question your worth.
Of course, we cannot expect perfection but we also should not put people on pedestals just for treating us with basic respect. You shouldn’t feel privileged, you shouldn’t feel special, because respect should be automatically given. Not something you should beg for or jump through hoops for.
If people care for you, they will make a conscious effort to change problematic actions. They won’t change overnight and we can’t expect them to but we also cannot allow ourselves to hold our hopes out for a change that the person is never willing to go through.
This includes ourselves, we will all discover flaws and issues we know are unacceptable. That’s okay, that’s human.
But we MUST grow.
If those in your life refuse to grow along beside you and make excuse after excuse, we have to let go. Too many people lose years of their lives to people who feed them false promises.
If a family member, friend, or partner or ANYONE in your life is causing you unhappiness, anxiety, fear, do not sit in silence. Communication and their reaction will lead you forward, either with or without them.
You have to take care of yourself, you have to love yourself. You have the whole world on your shoulders already, don’t allow the weight of the universe to be added too. Stress kills.

Exasperated Sigh.

1:24 and I’m awake, again, and crying.
Feel like such a fraud when my moods change because I know people think, “what an over exaggerating bitch”.
Feels like my voice is still never heard because not many people want to accept that, despite my bpd and other various mental illnesses, I am capable of sane thoughts and hey, just because I’m emotional a lot doesn’t mean it isn’t for justified reasons. Not that anyone should have to justify their own upset.
I feel I too easily allow myself to be sucked into other people’s negativity and they allow that because, well, misery loves company. It sucks because I’d do anything for these people. ANYTHING. And it still feels like it gets thrown straight back in my face.
I can hold onto a lot of hurt, I can hold grudges, but god- tell me how to forgive people when it’s typically, “yes, I did this shitty thing but please stop talking about it because it’s upsetting me” OH I’M SORRY. It’s upsetting YOU how fucking shitty you treated me? Let me pull out my fucking violin for you. The truth is, I’d forgive people in a heartbeat if their words were sincere and not still an attempt to minimize or deflect the situation.
I used to be someone who thought, “the world hurt me, so what do I care if I hurt others?” and it took a lot of growing up to realise how sick and toxic that is. The world hurt you and that is fucking unforgivable but don’t take it out on those who love you. Don’t take out your pain on them, don’t say, “well, if they leave that’s fine because I was already expecting it” because it’s not about them WANTING to abandon you, it’s because instead of appreciating what you have, your caught up in your own negativity and don’t see that you’re destroying others. It’s not their fault that you’ve been treated wrongly, don’t make them pay because those who actually hurt you can’t for whatever reason. That isn’t fair. Don’t push them away, hold the fuck on, because you won’t find many people who will support you through everything in life. If you do, I can’t express is enough- APPRECIATE them. Love them how they deserve to be loved. Respect them how they should be respected. Stop punishing them because you’re hurting.

Growing a monster.

Anger is something I’ve seen destroy so many people.
I’ve seen it manifest through generations.
Young children hitting others at school because that’s what they see daddy do to mommy at home.
I’ve seen the kindest souls be overlooked because the trauma they’ve endured has caused a ferocious anger that even they’re afraid of. They can’t seek help because people don’t see the pain, they see the holes in the walls, the broken glass from another smashed mirror because they feel nothing but shame and can’t bare to see their own reflection.
They lose jobs, relationships, friendships because they’re unable to shake their fury.
But that can’t cry because who do they have to blame but themselves?
They lash out verbally at their loved ones, emotional abuse.
Threaten. Gaslight. Live in denial.
They hurt others because they despise themselves. Zero confidence, so they try to dominate and bully, just so for a moment they feel powerful. Feel in control.
Always a desperate need for control, why? Because they were never in control as a child. From the moment they were born, life was cruel. Their parents didn’t mean to hurt them but they were so wrapped up in their own troubles that they neglected their children. They never had anyone to speak to, so they learned to bottle their emotions, and eventually that became a belief that showing emotion is a sign of weakness.
This isn’t a supportive or forgiving post about these kinds of people, it’s just a perspective I’ve seen too many times. A haunting one.
Years and years of bullying only confirmed their belief of being weak. They stopped feeling for people in the way they used to, the world felt so evil. At home, at school, nowhere was safe. The first time they were ever praised, it was for winning a physical fight against someone. That moment of praise was mistaken for love and they were never truly taught was love was but they know they craved it. In their young mind, two connections were made. Violence = Admiration. Violence = The only way to solve a situation. They grow older but their mindset doesn’t mature but they’re no longer protecting themselves. They’re overpowering others. They’ve normalised it.

Dysmorphic

I met a stranger in the mirror today

I gasped and tried to speak but the words were a muted hum

The stranger looked as shook as me, their movements echoed mine, but there was still no familiarity

I did not know this person

This person was neither ugly nor attractive, a genderless blur

I held onto the sink, steadying myself, never taking my eyes from the imposter in the glass

No emotion in her face. I smiled, she smiled, but it was a hollow smile. Almost like it was painted upon her porcelain skin. Forced and no warmth. A puppet. A mannequin.

 

 

Causation.

Considering maybe paying to do some online qualifications at some point this year, it isn’t cheap but I just don’t do great with on campus learning. I already have qualifications in care and support work but I really want some in mental health, too.
I’m definitely getting my life back on track but it’s definitely scary.
Getting decent support for my mental health and very looking forward to start the sexual abuse counselling when that comes through.
Yesterday was a strange one, I kept having really intrusive thoughts about self harm because I felt so overwhelmed. I slowed down and tried to break down why I felt so stressed.
My answer was pretty typical, “things are going so well, something bad is going to happen soon, and I won’t be able to stop it. I can feel it, something is going to go really wrong and it’ll probably be all my fault and I’ll lose all the progress I made”
Which is total bullshit because not every day is going to be awesome and that’s okay, it won’t erase how far I’ve come and the only person putting any pressure on me… Is me. I have insanely high expectations for myself.
Living like that is stressful but it also has made me fight to improve myself and my life, so it’s not a completely negative trait.
I am struggling a little with weird thoughts, mainly around clothes lately. All my clothes are cleaned and laid out nearly in my wardrobe but my head keeps saying, “think how dirty they are, just sitting there, you need to wash them. Pull them all out and reorganise it all again. Don’t buy any clothes that aren’t black because you’ll stain them and then it’ll be ruined”
I don’t know, it’s very fucking irritating, honestly. I just try not to give any attention to the thoughts but it’s weird and I don’t know where it’s come from, it’s only a pattern of thought that’s developed within the last few months. I’ve had to push myself to buying some blue or red clothing and even then, I rarely wear them because of this obsession with not getting them dirty. This might be a giant leap but I wonder whether this paranoid about being dirty/looking dirty is something to do with having to address so much about the sexual abuse?