I’m making an effort to socialise more.
While it’s true that I am an introvert, isolating myself from those around me isn’t healthy.
Since I was young, I’ve used self isolation as a coping mechanism, a defense mechanism.
And for awhile, it would make me feel better but as the days grew into weeks, my mind would sour.
I would become increasingly paranoid. No longer did I think being alone was just for peace and quiet, my mind had become twisted, and told me that being alone was the only way to survive. That nobody could be trusted, that they all despised me, judged me, wanted to hurt me.
I can’t count the number of times I’ve slipped into this frame of mind.
And the more people tried to help, the more I pushed back, because I had convinced myself that their help was fake.
Every compliment felt like a lie.
Every attempt at encouragement and support felt forced pity.
And each time, I slowly have to repair my mind, to accept people’s kindness and love again.
I admit, I definitely can get sucked into my own misery, but the darkness blinds me from seeing reality.
Everything around me becomes distorted. Friends and family get upset and frustrated, especially when I refute their help.
Now I’m feeling better, I’m trying to mend a few of these relationships.
Years ago, that would mean I would reach out to the toxic people in my life too- but I’ve learned that I can’t have a good relationship with everyone and that isn’t my fault or problem but I do need to appreciate those I do have and remind them that they matter to me.


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