I haven’t been sleeping much, far too restless.

I’ve felt the familiar anxiety creeping and stalking my every move.

Anxious about my appearance, but oh, what’s new about that? I’m growing increasingly concerned my teeth are going to fall out.. for no particular reason. A few weeks ago, I had a similar fear that I was losing all my hair. Still uncomfortable with my weight, linking numbers on a scale to self worth.

I came to a halt in writing my book. Really, I don’t think there’d be much point. Writing is a hobby, sure, but no more than that. I think I’m relatable, for some, but I’m not revolutionary by any means. My book would just be me regurgitating the same shit you hear from anyone who documents their struggles with mental health.

I’ve definitely got a lot of energy but no outlet. I still don’t get out much.

I’m talking to people more but who knows how long that’ll last? I am really trying to make an effort but it definitely feels super difficult to make friends at this age- so, you know, feel free to reach out if you live near me in South Yorks, lol.

I’ve been spending a bit. Focused entirely on clothing, which isn’t a negative as such because I rarely buy myself clothing. I pretty much gave up on that once I’d gained weight, didn’t see point in taking any pride in my appearance, when all I felt was repulsion.

My head feels so “full” at times. Just bursting with pressure. Not a headache, just a distinct, heavy feeling, which can really be bothersome. Makes me have strange thoughts. Like, I can see myself cutting my skull open to relieve this “pressure”. I just have fantasies about the pressure seeping out, and even though it must be all psychosomatic, it does feel  a little better. It’s very difficult to explain, I don’t tell anyone, they’d never understand it, they’d think I was insane. Maybe it’s a stress or anxiety thing but I’ve felt it on and off for years. It’s often followed by this intense longing to escape my own mind. God, even I think I sound fucking mental, which is ironic because I’m probably in the best place mentally than I have been the past 2 or so years.

 

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3 thoughts on “Ticking.

  1. You are an amazing writer. Every single one of us who deals with mental health issues, our voices need to be heard. You are not regurgitating anyone else’s words. Your struggles and triumphs are yours to own and celebrate. You will never know the people that you reach and help with your words. Please do not feel your words are not heard, I read and feel all you write. And I am not the only one. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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