Been feeling slightly anxious all day, no direct cause. I was expecting it, my “comedown” from feeling so good for the past week or two, if that makes sense to anyone. There’s always a comedown.
I tried to keep my irritability at bay but found myself losing my temper over very little.
And feelings of shame associated with those bursts of anger.
I took myself off into my bedroom, to cool off, but ended up getting myself more worked up.
I tried explaining to R why I was feeling so strange, he was lovely, but I couldn’t quite convey what I meant.
I was jumping back and forth from anger to despair.
I kept saying to him, “you don’t know me, you don’t know anything about me. Nobody does. Why? I feel so.. Different.. But I don’t feel like anybody else picks up on how “different” I am. I want people to know I’m different. I’m not like everyone else. I have potential, I just–”
I could barely get my words out, it was just rambling, that really didn’t mean anything. I’m not sure why I was saying it, or why I felt that way.
I just felt such frustration in that moment, like an alien, like nobody could comprehend me as an individual.
It was a little delusional, if I’m honest. Not quite arrogance but just a feeling like I’m special and a desperate need for others to acknowledge it.
Not the first time I’ve seen an “episode”(?) like this but it always brings me mixed emotions. Embarrassment, confusion, exhaustion, sadness, emptiness.
And a little voice wondering whether there’s any sense in my madness.


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