How am I doing? Hard to answer that. I mean, I feel good, but what does my subconscious think?
I don’t feel sad, empty, or lost.
I feel quite chipper, honestly.
But fuck, the spending. I cannot stop. Or maybe I can, I just don’t want to. It makes me feel good but it’s strange, I’m used to spending excessively when I’m depressed, trying to fill the void but this isn’t the same. I’m not trying to fill anything, it’s just greed.
£50 on clothes, £15 on make up, I couldn’t even count the cost of how much I splurge on food.. I just want more and more things. They don’t have to be costly items, I could easily spend the entire contents of my purse in Poundland. Spending just makes me feel so damn good, makes me feel like a whole person, makes me feel.. I dunno, grown up? Maybe it’s a control thing. Maybe it’s a craving for some independence? Who knows?
In my worst depression, I didn’t buy anything for myself and shunned gifts. There was nothing I wanted, nothing I felt I deserved. I didn’t want new clothes or make up because I didn’t want to be seen.
Perhaps I’m thinking about it all too deeply and critical, what if I’m just treating myself a little? Sure, it feels like a compulsion, but is it really? I’m not running myself into debt, I’m just being less strict with myself.
I think it just concerns me how much I enjoy spending. I do get irritable and pouty if I can’t, childlike behaviour. Drives me mad because I don’t consider myself a particularly materialistic person.