It gets difficult at night. Always at night.
So many bad dreams.
I can’t tell if I’m excited for Christmas or apprehensive.
It’s weird, any time of “big” celebration, birthdays, christmasses, etc, has always made me feel a little empty inside, the classic borderline void seems to grow, and I can’t really put my finger on why. It’s been like this ever since I was a kid though.
Maybe it’s because the year is coming to and end and I feel I’ve accomplished absolutely nothing.
I woke up during the night and in the darkness, I felt so alone with my thoughts, and I suddenly became overwhelmed by the thought of, “Can I do this forever? Do I want to? Do I see a future? My past has been bleak, the bad outweighs the good for the most part, and I don’t think I can escape it. I don’t think I belong here, life is only going to get harder, and I don’t want to always be drowning in my own misery for the rest of my life”
Cue to thoughts of suicide. Ones I’ll never go through with, of course.
But I don’t fear the thoughts, I just feel relieved and free.
It’s no fun living with a brain that cannot slow down, cogs constantly turning, every minor thing feels like a catastrophe.
Despite how much I complain, I feel a deep closeness with myself. My own best friend and my own worst enemy, I always say. I hate the way my mind works, yet I love the way my mind works.