It gets difficult at night. Always at night.

So many bad dreams.
I can’t tell if I’m excited for Christmas or apprehensive.
Maybe both.
It’s weird, any time of “big” celebration, birthdays, christmasses, etc, has always made me feel a little empty inside, the classic borderline void seems to grow, and I can’t really put my finger on why. It’s been like this ever since I was a kid though.
Maybe it’s because the year is coming to and end and I feel I’ve accomplished absolutely nothing.
I woke up during the night and in the darkness, I felt so alone with my thoughts, and I suddenly became overwhelmed by the thought of, “Can I do this forever? Do I want to? Do I see a future? My past has been bleak, the bad outweighs the good for the most part, and I don’t think I can escape it. I don’t think I belong here, life is only going to get harder, and I don’t want to always be drowning in my own misery for the rest of my life”
Cue to thoughts of suicide. Ones I’ll never go through with, of course.
But I don’t fear the thoughts, I just feel relieved and free.
It’s no fun living with a brain that cannot slow down, cogs constantly turning, every minor thing feels like a catastrophe.
Despite how much I complain, I feel a deep closeness with myself. My own best friend and my own worst enemy, I always say. I hate the way my mind works, yet I love the way my mind works.

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8 thoughts on “Festive Woes

  1. I relate to the emptiness of celebration events like xmas, maybe not since I was a kid though, I loved it then. As an only child I was spolit with presents. But as an adult you realise to commercialness of it all and realise it is all just to extort you from more money.

    My mind sometimes races too, a million miles an hour. Not been like that for a little while though (thank fully) but yeah damn those thoughts.

    I think reading your post was the first thing ive read online for a bit that I could relate to.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s all the peopling I hate. Pretending you’re thrilled to see people, make asinine small talk, all the time wishing you could be home curled up on the sofa with a book and a bottle of wine.

    Liked by 1 person

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