Woke up in the worst mood.
A “what’s the fucking point mood?”
A few years ago, I was on track in life, felt secure in myself, life was manageable.
Through a cluster fuck of confidence destroying events, I’m the fucking jobless, insecure loser you see today.
Maybe I am stuck in somewhat of a victim mentality and that’s why I can’t heal but how can I move on from everything? It’s an empty, repetitive existence and I hate it.
I hate that I’ve let people tear apart everything I was and they’ll never get it, never understand what they did, never take responsibility.
Then again, they could apologise a thousand times over and it would mean almost nothing to me because they still did it. They’ll still try and avoid that they made me the pathetic mess I am today. It’ll be my fault, somehow.
In their eyes, I’ll just not be trying hard enough, or living in the past, or choosing to be this way.
Well, I never asked for or deserved any of the awful shit.
I used to be stable and healthy, you think it’s a coincidence?
And now I am truly ill because of people’s actions, nobody wants to deal with it or they feign support but only as a means of relinquishing their own guilt.
Probably can’t move on with my life because all I’ll ever be told is that I’m not well enough, not allowed to try new things, explore different passages in life, be a person because all people narrow me down to is mental illness.
I’m not crazy, and even if I was doing amazingly well, people wouldn’t believe it. Constantly having to prove myself in every little aspect, what a fucking life that is.
Being treated like a freak, people not even trusting me to make friends because of THEIR own judgements about my illness, thinking I’ll embarrass myself or get triggered around people or kick off or some shit. I’m relatively normal, so why do I keep being treated like I’m not? Like I’m incapable of living like a regular person? It’s so demeaning, so insulting.
People think I live in my own bubble, that isn’t true, I’ve been confined to the bubble. People telling me what and who I am. Telling me what I am and aren’t capable of. Restricting my growth.
Wish I was dead.

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5 thoughts on “Bubble.

  1. I completely and totally feel the exact same way. Suffering from the actions of others and being the sick one everyone is tired of dealing with. The moods, the crying, the feeling of worthlessness. Being without a job is so demeaning and looking for a new one feels like begging for a handout. Still I think continuing to live proves we do have some inner strength by not letting those who hurt us win. Just existing proves they can’t hurt us completely. Hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

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