What is up with me tonight? I feel all over the place.
Having very random thoughts.
I keep fantasising about drinking myself into oblivion, what I loved about drinking was that I could just forget. No matter how long I go without drinking, I always miss it. Miss just not knowing who the fuck I am, just being a blurred human incapable of even stringing a sentence together.
Thinking about running away. Where would I go? Nowhere, of course, I’m just so exhausted by living.
Feel like I’m destined to repeat the same cycles. How many times have I been told to “stop living in the past”. Ha, if only things were so simple. Most people are so wrapped in their own bubbles they have no idea how extensive trauma can affect you and how it really isn’t as simple as just “moving on”.
I’ve been so broken for so long, I don’t think I can be repaired. What is the point?
I can’t stand the judgement, can’t stand the critical voices, can’t stand people telling me how I should deal and react to things. To always have people assuming who I am, wanting me to be different, just not accepting.
I know how people think of me. That I’m negative, hopeless, addicted to my own turmoil. I wish I could just let them think what they want and not let their words cut me so deep.
I am so fucked up. I am a complete mess. I am really a failure to everyone and myself.
The pain I feel in my heart drowns out all other noise.
I am a fractured human and I hate living in a world where I don’t belong, I cannot live up to anyone’s standards, I cannot live up to my own.
Those who do care, are just dragged down by my darkness, but I can’t get better at a quick enough pace that won’t hurt others in the time in between. The closer you get to me, the closer the darkness will infect you too.
There is a reason I keep to myself.

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3 thoughts on “Useless.

  1. I so know what you mean. Right now my doctor has me on new medication and I can’t sleep. Every day is a new worry – will it be a good day? Will I have a massive anxiety attack and cry myself into a migraine? Will I simply feel depressed and just lie in bed all day feeling useless and with no purpose? I have also been broken for a very long time and it is a constant struggle to keep myself in balance. The number of times over the years my doctor has had to change my meds to fix yet another change in my brain chemistry thanks to yet another traumatic event is crazy – I keep worrying that one day I’ll go to him and he will be out of options for me and then how will I get by? One day at a time is all I can offer – I have to remember to slow me down to do that as well so don’t feel alone, there’s a lot of us out here that are just struggling to get our asses out of bed in the morning. I understand, I feel you, I hope you keep writing.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hugs. Those voices, sadly, probably were put there by other people and you internalized them. It effing sucks to have the voices of assholes in your head, but at least remember they *are* the voices of assholes. It won’t silence them, but it might help you be kind when they get to you.

    Like

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