5 days until Christmas and do I feel festive? Not one bit. Morose, empty, very depressed.
I can’t tell anyone, I can’t ruin their Christmas.
That’s all I do, really, ruin how people are feeling, I’m sure of it.
Burdening people with the weight of my mental health, the stress I put them through..
I hate my mind. Last few days all I’ve thought about is how I don’t want to be here, I don’t see a purpose, I don’t deserve it, and I see no worthwhile future.
I’ve tried to help myself out but I’ve been in a permanent state of exhaustion, constantly wanting to sleep every moment away.
I’m going to be 23 in February and I just don’t know if I want to see any more years.
I can’t explain how awful I feel and even if I did try and explain, I’m sick of it just being taken for selfishness.
My life up until this point has been disaster after disaster. Tired of being hurt, tiring of hurting others unintentionally because I can’t just be normal or healthy.
I’m actually not adding anything to anyone’s lives at this point. Just disappointing and disappointing.
You can throw all the therapy at me in the world, I’ll put my whole heart into it, but will it change anything? Or will it just be another temporary relief then back to square one?
I just want to push everyone away, so I don’t drag them down any longer.


11 thoughts on “Coal for Christmas.

  1. I feel like I’m in a similar boat just now. They always say that feelings are temporary, so maybe there is comfort in knowing eventually it will pass… even if we also know it’ll be back…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. GIrl, I totally understand. I cant talk to my family and friends because i dont wanna be a burden. I can only talk to my therapist. I often wonder what death is like… then i freak myself out and make a wish that I DONT die.
    I feel worthless. I have no kids, no spouse, no job, no car….I feel like i am a waste of life.
    So yea i understand
    Hang in there LOVE!!

    Liked by 1 person

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