Lying is something I’ve always struggled with, never malicious lies, but constant little white lies.
Lying over small, inane things that have no place in a conversation. Lying when I do something wrong or make a mistake and panic.
I used to be convinced I was manipulative and nasty at times but that’s far from the truth.
I decided to write this because I read somewhere a few months ago that lying used to be part of the diagnostic criteria for borderline- unsure of how true that is, however, there is a reason for me bringing this up.
I wonder if this is where most of the “manipulative” stigma comes from? As I quite easily attached that label to myself for many years without thinking any deeper into it.
The reality is, my habitual lying was born as a survival tactical in my childhood.
When I made a mistake, I couldn’t just admit to it because the punishment would be severe. I was afraid to be honest, to say, “yes, I accidentally broke X”, “I’m sorry I misplaced Y”. There was never any safe space for me to see it’s okay to make mistakes or errors, it’s human.
I was very scared of his anger, I lived on egg shells from the first few months of him moving into our home and for the rest of my childhood and early adulthood.
Lying became my biggest way to attempt to avoid his wrath.
His behaviour made me hyper sensitive and afraid of people and lying became an instinctual reaction to whenever I would mess up around others. So desperate not to provoke anyone to react the way he did, so conditioned into believing that is how everyone reacts when you make small mistakes.
My lying is something I am not always consciously aware of but I do try to correct myself for the most part but this is not an easy feat.
People are unsympathetic when it comes to lying, even when it isn’t intended to hurt, it can still cause massive distrust. I am not saying it should be overlooked, not at all, but underlying reasons should be sought and understood before passing judgement.
To weigh up whether a person is unrepentant and has no conscience or whether at one point, a person simple had to lie to get through life, to cope, to avoid another day of strict punishment.