Appointment went really well, just to wait for them to match me with a therapist now.
To hear the word “groomed” still fucks with me.
Found myself almost making excuses– “but I did drink..”
“But I… ”
She stopped me.
“You did nothing wrong. Everyone who has put blame onto you has done so for their own conscience, so they can avoid the guilt they should feel because they all saw it, they all witnessed his grooming for years, but they did nothing”
“Well, maybe they just didn’t–”
“They did, they failed. Your mother failed you as a parent, failed to protect, and normalised it. He took advantage of your vulnerability. It is not normal for an adult male to get a child to drink alcohol regularly, it is not normal for an adult male to joke and comment about a child’s breasts, it is not acceptable that the family members and family friends who witnessed it said nothing. He isolated you and so did they, it was the perfect storm for him to get to you.”
She made me see how much I blame myself and how ridiculous that is. Made me realise just how much my mom let me down and blamed me too and how disgusting that is.
It was deliberate actions built up over a course of six years, from the moment he entered the home when I was 11 and inflicting constant emotional abuse to the sexual abuse at 17. I couldn’t have known, I didn’t see what he was doing and that’s exactly what he intended. I was just a kid.
I told her that he only sexually abused me once and that sometimes I feel like I’m not justified in being so traumatised.
“He didn’t do it again not because he didn’t want to but because you made too much noise. You didn’t stay quiet, you tried to protect yourself because nobody else did. You told people, you brought it to attention despite nothing being done, you still sent him a message that you see him for who he really is. You never allowed yourself to be alone with him and you became hostile and would lash out verbally if he came near you. You were still terrified and you couldn’t protect yourself when he did it but you made it clear he needed to stay away. If you hadn’t, there’s no doubt he would’ve tried again, you destroyed further opportunity”