Considering maybe paying to do some online qualifications at some point this year, it isn’t cheap but I just don’t do great with on campus learning. I already have qualifications in care and support work but I really want some in mental health, too.
I’m definitely getting my life back on track but it’s definitely scary.
Getting decent support for my mental health and very looking forward to start the sexual abuse counselling when that comes through.
Yesterday was a strange one, I kept having really intrusive thoughts about self harm because I felt so overwhelmed. I slowed down and tried to break down why I felt so stressed.
My answer was pretty typical, “things are going so well, something bad is going to happen soon, and I won’t be able to stop it. I can feel it, something is going to go really wrong and it’ll probably be all my fault and I’ll lose all the progress I made”
Which is total bullshit because not every day is going to be awesome and that’s okay, it won’t erase how far I’ve come and the only person putting any pressure on me… Is me. I have insanely high expectations for myself.
Living like that is stressful but it also has made me fight to improve myself and my life, so it’s not a completely negative trait.
I am struggling a little with weird thoughts, mainly around clothes lately. All my clothes are cleaned and laid out nearly in my wardrobe but my head keeps saying, “think how dirty they are, just sitting there, you need to wash them. Pull them all out and reorganise it all again. Don’t buy any clothes that aren’t black because you’ll stain them and then it’ll be ruined”
I don’t know, it’s very fucking irritating, honestly. I just try not to give any attention to the thoughts but it’s weird and I don’t know where it’s come from, it’s only a pattern of thought that’s developed within the last few months. I’ve had to push myself to buying some blue or red clothing and even then, I rarely wear them because of this obsession with not getting them dirty. This might be a giant leap but I wonder whether this paranoid about being dirty/looking dirty is something to do with having to address so much about the sexual abuse?


One thought on “Causation.

  1. It could be, but only you will know that one.

    I remember when I left the ex husband and divorced. Years ago this happened now, but he raped me in marriage. Within the month of leaving here m, everything I had worn while with him, I slowly replaced overtime. The new things I did not want touching the old things, which was fear of contamination and feeling dirty, if they did.


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