1:24 and I’m awake, again, and crying.
Feel like such a fraud when my moods change because I know people think, “what an over exaggerating bitch”.
Feels like my voice is still never heard because not many people want to accept that, despite my bpd and other various mental illnesses, I am capable of sane thoughts and hey, just because I’m emotional a lot doesn’t mean it isn’t for justified reasons. Not that anyone should have to justify their own upset.
I feel I too easily allow myself to be sucked into other people’s negativity and they allow that because, well, misery loves company. It sucks because I’d do anything for these people. ANYTHING. And it still feels like it gets thrown straight back in my face.
I can hold onto a lot of hurt, I can hold grudges, but god- tell me how to forgive people when it’s typically, “yes, I did this shitty thing but please stop talking about it because it’s upsetting me” OH I’M SORRY. It’s upsetting YOU how fucking shitty you treated me? Let me pull out my fucking violin for you. The truth is, I’d forgive people in a heartbeat if their words were sincere and not still an attempt to minimize or deflect the situation.
I used to be someone who thought, “the world hurt me, so what do I care if I hurt others?” and it took a lot of growing up to realise how sick and toxic that is. The world hurt you and that is fucking unforgivable but don’t take it out on those who love you. Don’t take out your pain on them, don’t say, “well, if they leave that’s fine because I was already expecting it” because it’s not about them WANTING to abandon you, it’s because instead of appreciating what you have, your caught up in your own negativity and don’t see that you’re destroying others. It’s not their fault that you’ve been treated wrongly, don’t make them pay because those who actually hurt you can’t for whatever reason. That isn’t fair. Don’t push them away, hold the fuck on, because you won’t find many people who will support you through everything in life. If you do, I can’t express is enough- APPRECIATE them. Love them how they deserve to be loved. Respect them how they should be respected. Stop punishing them because you’re hurting.

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