Here we go again, another typing, mundane rant about how shit I’m feeling. Probably likely to be followed tomorrow by how I’m feeling so much better and want to remain positive. Rinse and repeat.
I feel so nauseous, my anxiety is really bad. SH thoughts still there. I feel completely overwhelmed and stuck in my own skin, I would love nothing more than to tear it off, just so I don’t have to be associated with myself and anything related. What a mental thought. Maybe I am mental.
I can feel resentment bubbling away inside of me and a desperate need to push everyone the fuck away from me.
Too much responsibility, feel like I must be responsible for everyone’s happiness, and a deep guilt for bringing everyone down.
Struggling with facing myself in the mirror. God, I am fucking sickening. So hideous. Absolute embarrassment.
And sure, I could try and talk about it but nobody really ever quite gets it. Or they’re probably sick of hearing my self hatred speeches for the millionth time.
I am worthless and I’m certain (okay, paranoid) that everyone sees that and takes advantage and obviously, when people deny that, I think they’re lying and trying to manipulate me. How sick is that? Or maybe it isn’t. Maybe people do see a vulnerability and use it for their own gain. How to know?
Keep sleeping as much as possible because then I don’t have to face anything.
I am REALLY not doing well but is there anyone who thinks I’m being sincere and their first thought isn’t, “here we go again”
I feel small and insignificant. I not only feel like I’m not an important part in the world but even in my own life I feel inconsequential.
And most of all, I’m completely replaceable. That’s what I’m feeling most of all. That whether it’s tomorrow, next year, 5 years.. I’ll eventually have nobody.
I just want to scream at someone to help me right now but I just stay silent. It’s just a burden. I’m just a burden.

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7 thoughts on “No Hope.

  1. By you ranting, you’re releasing all the negative energy that is pent up inside. Let it out!!!
    Anyone here in the mental community fully understands and can relate.
    Hang in there… Try to read positive affirmations, repeat them. Write them down if necessary, and place them in view and keep repeating them.
    Remember this… “This to shall pass.” There is a great deal of truth behind that saying.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. All of us with mental illness go through periods of thinking we’re a burden, not worth the effort, that we just want to be left alone. Not gonna preach about meds or natural remedies or shit like that, personally I hate when people tell me “Oh, you should try X. It worked for my mom,” or some such shit. What I will say is try to find something, anything, that brings you joy or peace and see if that helps at all. I dance. A lot. It makes me feel free and capable. Not everyone’s cup of tea but even just flailing about in my living room to music I like gets my endorphins in gear. Hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This is a bit off topic, but I’m just curious how you got your followers. I feel like I have a story to tell and I want to reach people and hopefully help them make it through dark times. I only have 10 followers and I don’t really know who to get more. I love your blogging, btw. Thanks =)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you very much and sorry about my slow reply! My first account where I document my mental health is on Instagram, so when I created this blog, I linked it to my Instagram account which I think helped. Then I wanted to find like minded bloggers, so I’d search mental health tags and follow blogs that interested me, they’d follow back, and it sort of developed like that over time. I think using tags so more people can be aware of your blog would help too! Xxx

      Like

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