Today is a “meh” kinda day.
Last night’s thoughts weighing upon me.
Plus, it’s my mom’s birthday today. Despite how ridiculously toxic she’s proven herself to be, I still feel really weird about not speaking to her today. I don’t know why, she abandoned me a year ago and you know, has been nothing but a cunt.
Maybe I have this pathetic, subconscious desire for her to turn around one day and be like, “I left him, I did the right thing for myself, you, and your brother and sister and we can all be a real family again! I’m sorry for everything, sorry for what he put you through, and sorry for what you have to live with because of it”
Yeah, definitely delusional. Never going to happen.
I feel so inadequate, like, why am I bothering to be around anyone? Of course I’m just pushing people away because of these abandonment issues.
Had my biological father lose interest in seeing me at age 11 (well, from 3 but he sort of bothered with contact for a few years on and off) and yeah, it still hurts but he’s not a great person anyway. I established contact to see if I’d have any different feelings about him. I don’t. He’s nothing but lies, ego, and excuses. We have VERY little in common, aside from physical looks. He’s misogynistic, racist, homophobic.. Everything I can’t stand. It was probably a huge bullet dodged not being raised closely by him, who knows who I would’ve become?
Still, with my mum fucking me off out of her life for the sake of an abusive alcoholic doesn’t exactly help with my abandonment issues.
In a way, I feel like it just confirms that no matter what I do, no matter who I try to be, nobody will ever truly put me first. Or really love me. Or want to stick around long term.
Words mean pretty much nothing to me but I’d say actions don’t either (which isn’t really fair of me) because I just think everyone’s lying anyway.
Then, the icing on the cake, my friend of 10+ years just ditches me over a minor disagreement. Even her mother doesn’t agree with how she’s treated me (she’s a wonderful woman who I’ve always considered a good friend also).
It’s not really much of a wonder why I developed attachment disorder (and I suppose, bpd).