February Blues.

Fucking sigh.
Today is a “meh” kinda day.
Last night’s thoughts weighing upon me.
Plus, it’s my mom’s birthday today. Despite how ridiculously toxic she’s proven herself to be, I still feel really weird about not speaking to her today. I don’t know why, she abandoned me a year ago and you know, has been nothing but a cunt.
Maybe I have this pathetic, subconscious desire for her to turn around one day and be like, “I left him, I did the right thing for myself, you, and your brother and sister and we can all be a real family again! I’m sorry for everything, sorry for what he put you through, and sorry for what you have to live with because of it”
Yeah, definitely delusional. Never going to happen.
I feel so inadequate, like, why am I bothering to be around anyone? Of course I’m just pushing people away because of these abandonment issues.
Had my biological father lose interest in seeing me at age 11 (well, from 3 but he sort of bothered with contact for a few years on and off) and yeah, it still hurts but he’s not a great person anyway. I established contact to see if I’d have any different feelings about him. I don’t. He’s nothing but lies, ego, and excuses. We have VERY little in common, aside from physical looks. He’s misogynistic, racist, homophobic.. Everything I can’t stand. It was probably a huge bullet dodged not being raised closely by him, who knows who I would’ve become?
Still, with my mum fucking me off out of her life for the sake of an abusive alcoholic doesn’t exactly help with my abandonment issues.
In a way, I feel like it just confirms that no matter what I do, no matter who I try to be, nobody will ever truly put me first. Or really love me. Or want to stick around long term.
Words mean pretty much nothing to me but I’d say actions don’t either (which isn’t really fair of me) because I just think everyone’s lying anyway.
Then, the icing on the cake, my friend of 10+ years just ditches me over a minor disagreement. Even her mother doesn’t agree with how she’s treated me (she’s a wonderful woman who I’ve always considered a good friend also).
It’s not really much of a wonder why I developed attachment disorder (and I suppose, bpd).

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No Hope.

Here we go again, another typing, mundane rant about how shit I’m feeling. Probably likely to be followed tomorrow by how I’m feeling so much better and want to remain positive. Rinse and repeat.
I feel so nauseous, my anxiety is really bad. SH thoughts still there. I feel completely overwhelmed and stuck in my own skin, I would love nothing more than to tear it off, just so I don’t have to be associated with myself and anything related. What a mental thought. Maybe I am mental.
I can feel resentment bubbling away inside of me and a desperate need to push everyone the fuck away from me.
Too much responsibility, feel like I must be responsible for everyone’s happiness, and a deep guilt for bringing everyone down.
Struggling with facing myself in the mirror. God, I am fucking sickening. So hideous. Absolute embarrassment.
And sure, I could try and talk about it but nobody really ever quite gets it. Or they’re probably sick of hearing my self hatred speeches for the millionth time.
I am worthless and I’m certain (okay, paranoid) that everyone sees that and takes advantage and obviously, when people deny that, I think they’re lying and trying to manipulate me. How sick is that? Or maybe it isn’t. Maybe people do see a vulnerability and use it for their own gain. How to know?
Keep sleeping as much as possible because then I don’t have to face anything.
I am REALLY not doing well but is there anyone who thinks I’m being sincere and their first thought isn’t, “here we go again”
I feel small and insignificant. I not only feel like I’m not an important part in the world but even in my own life I feel inconsequential.
And most of all, I’m completely replaceable. That’s what I’m feeling most of all. That whether it’s tomorrow, next year, 5 years.. I’ll eventually have nobody.
I just want to scream at someone to help me right now but I just stay silent. It’s just a burden. I’m just a burden.

Remember This.

Whether it be a friend, family member or partner, never allow anyone to make you question your worth.
Of course, we cannot expect perfection but we also should not put people on pedestals just for treating us with basic respect. You shouldn’t feel privileged, you shouldn’t feel special, because respect should be automatically given. Not something you should beg for or jump through hoops for.
If people care for you, they will make a conscious effort to change problematic actions. They won’t change overnight and we can’t expect them to but we also cannot allow ourselves to hold our hopes out for a change that the person is never willing to go through.
This includes ourselves, we will all discover flaws and issues we know are unacceptable. That’s okay, that’s human.
But we MUST grow.
If those in your life refuse to grow along beside you and make excuse after excuse, we have to let go. Too many people lose years of their lives to people who feed them false promises.
If a family member, friend, or partner or ANYONE in your life is causing you unhappiness, anxiety, fear, do not sit in silence. Communication and their reaction will lead you forward, either with or without them.
You have to take care of yourself, you have to love yourself. You have the whole world on your shoulders already, don’t allow the weight of the universe to be added too. Stress kills.

Exasperated Sigh.

1:24 and I’m awake, again, and crying.
Feel like such a fraud when my moods change because I know people think, “what an over exaggerating bitch”.
Feels like my voice is still never heard because not many people want to accept that, despite my bpd and other various mental illnesses, I am capable of sane thoughts and hey, just because I’m emotional a lot doesn’t mean it isn’t for justified reasons. Not that anyone should have to justify their own upset.
I feel I too easily allow myself to be sucked into other people’s negativity and they allow that because, well, misery loves company. It sucks because I’d do anything for these people. ANYTHING. And it still feels like it gets thrown straight back in my face.
I can hold onto a lot of hurt, I can hold grudges, but god- tell me how to forgive people when it’s typically, “yes, I did this shitty thing but please stop talking about it because it’s upsetting me” OH I’M SORRY. It’s upsetting YOU how fucking shitty you treated me? Let me pull out my fucking violin for you. The truth is, I’d forgive people in a heartbeat if their words were sincere and not still an attempt to minimize or deflect the situation.
I used to be someone who thought, “the world hurt me, so what do I care if I hurt others?” and it took a lot of growing up to realise how sick and toxic that is. The world hurt you and that is fucking unforgivable but don’t take it out on those who love you. Don’t take out your pain on them, don’t say, “well, if they leave that’s fine because I was already expecting it” because it’s not about them WANTING to abandon you, it’s because instead of appreciating what you have, your caught up in your own negativity and don’t see that you’re destroying others. It’s not their fault that you’ve been treated wrongly, don’t make them pay because those who actually hurt you can’t for whatever reason. That isn’t fair. Don’t push them away, hold the fuck on, because you won’t find many people who will support you through everything in life. If you do, I can’t express is enough- APPRECIATE them. Love them how they deserve to be loved. Respect them how they should be respected. Stop punishing them because you’re hurting.

Growing a monster.

Anger is something I’ve seen destroy so many people.
I’ve seen it manifest through generations.
Young children hitting others at school because that’s what they see daddy do to mommy at home.
I’ve seen the kindest souls be overlooked because the trauma they’ve endured has caused a ferocious anger that even they’re afraid of. They can’t seek help because people don’t see the pain, they see the holes in the walls, the broken glass from another smashed mirror because they feel nothing but shame and can’t bare to see their own reflection.
They lose jobs, relationships, friendships because they’re unable to shake their fury.
But that can’t cry because who do they have to blame but themselves?
They lash out verbally at their loved ones, emotional abuse.
Threaten. Gaslight. Live in denial.
They hurt others because they despise themselves. Zero confidence, so they try to dominate and bully, just so for a moment they feel powerful. Feel in control.
Always a desperate need for control, why? Because they were never in control as a child. From the moment they were born, life was cruel. Their parents didn’t mean to hurt them but they were so wrapped up in their own troubles that they neglected their children. They never had anyone to speak to, so they learned to bottle their emotions, and eventually that became a belief that showing emotion is a sign of weakness.
This isn’t a supportive or forgiving post about these kinds of people, it’s just a perspective I’ve seen too many times. A haunting one.
Years and years of bullying only confirmed their belief of being weak. They stopped feeling for people in the way they used to, the world felt so evil. At home, at school, nowhere was safe. The first time they were ever praised, it was for winning a physical fight against someone. That moment of praise was mistaken for love and they were never truly taught was love was but they know they craved it. In their young mind, two connections were made. Violence = Admiration. Violence = The only way to solve a situation. They grow older but their mindset doesn’t mature but they’re no longer protecting themselves. They’re overpowering others. They’ve normalised it.

Dysmorphic

I met a stranger in the mirror today

I gasped and tried to speak but the words were a muted hum

The stranger looked as shook as me, their movements echoed mine, but there was still no familiarity

I did not know this person

This person was neither ugly nor attractive, a genderless blur

I held onto the sink, steadying myself, never taking my eyes from the imposter in the glass

No emotion in her face. I smiled, she smiled, but it was a hollow smile. Almost like it was painted upon her porcelain skin. Forced and no warmth. A puppet. A mannequin.

 

 

Causation.

Considering maybe paying to do some online qualifications at some point this year, it isn’t cheap but I just don’t do great with on campus learning. I already have qualifications in care and support work but I really want some in mental health, too.
I’m definitely getting my life back on track but it’s definitely scary.
Getting decent support for my mental health and very looking forward to start the sexual abuse counselling when that comes through.
Yesterday was a strange one, I kept having really intrusive thoughts about self harm because I felt so overwhelmed. I slowed down and tried to break down why I felt so stressed.
My answer was pretty typical, “things are going so well, something bad is going to happen soon, and I won’t be able to stop it. I can feel it, something is going to go really wrong and it’ll probably be all my fault and I’ll lose all the progress I made”
Which is total bullshit because not every day is going to be awesome and that’s okay, it won’t erase how far I’ve come and the only person putting any pressure on me… Is me. I have insanely high expectations for myself.
Living like that is stressful but it also has made me fight to improve myself and my life, so it’s not a completely negative trait.
I am struggling a little with weird thoughts, mainly around clothes lately. All my clothes are cleaned and laid out nearly in my wardrobe but my head keeps saying, “think how dirty they are, just sitting there, you need to wash them. Pull them all out and reorganise it all again. Don’t buy any clothes that aren’t black because you’ll stain them and then it’ll be ruined”
I don’t know, it’s very fucking irritating, honestly. I just try not to give any attention to the thoughts but it’s weird and I don’t know where it’s come from, it’s only a pattern of thought that’s developed within the last few months. I’ve had to push myself to buying some blue or red clothing and even then, I rarely wear them because of this obsession with not getting them dirty. This might be a giant leap but I wonder whether this paranoid about being dirty/looking dirty is something to do with having to address so much about the sexual abuse?

Groomed.

Appointment went really well, just to wait for them to match me with a therapist now.

To hear the word “groomed” still fucks with me.
Found myself almost making excuses– “but I did drink..”
“But I… ”
She stopped me.
“You did nothing wrong. Everyone who has put blame onto you has done so for their own conscience, so they can avoid the guilt they should feel because they all saw it, they all witnessed his grooming for years, but they did nothing”

“Well, maybe they just didn’t–”

“They did, they failed. Your mother failed you as a parent, failed to protect, and normalised it. He took advantage of your vulnerability. It is not normal for an adult male to get a child to drink alcohol regularly, it is not normal for an adult male to joke and comment about a child’s breasts, it is not acceptable that the family members and family friends who witnessed it said nothing. He isolated you and so did they, it was the perfect storm for him to get to you.”

She made me see how much I blame myself and how ridiculous that is. Made me realise just how much my mom let me down and blamed me too and how disgusting that is.
It was deliberate actions built up over a course of six years, from the moment he entered the home when I was 11 and inflicting constant emotional abuse to the sexual abuse at 17. I couldn’t have known, I didn’t see what he was doing and that’s exactly what he intended. I was just a kid.

I told her that he only sexually abused me once and that sometimes I feel like I’m not justified in being so traumatised.

“He didn’t do it again not because he didn’t want to but because you made too much noise. You didn’t stay quiet, you tried to protect yourself because nobody else did. You told people, you brought it to attention despite nothing being done, you still sent him a message that you see him for who he really is. You never allowed yourself to be alone with him and you became hostile and would lash out verbally if he came near you. You were still terrified and you couldn’t protect yourself when he did it but you made it clear he needed to stay away. If you hadn’t, there’s no doubt he would’ve tried again, you destroyed further opportunity”

Lying.

Lying.
Lying is something I’ve always struggled with, never malicious lies, but constant little white lies.
Lying over small, inane things that have no place in a conversation. Lying when I do something wrong or make a mistake and panic.
I used to be convinced I was manipulative and nasty at times but that’s far from the truth.
I decided to write this because I read somewhere a few months ago that lying used to be part of the diagnostic criteria for borderline- unsure of how true that is, however, there is a reason for me bringing this up.
I wonder if this is where most of the “manipulative” stigma comes from? As I quite easily attached that label to myself for many years without thinking any deeper into it.
The reality is, my habitual lying was born as a survival tactical in my childhood.
When I made a mistake, I couldn’t just admit to it because the punishment would be severe. I was afraid to be honest, to say, “yes, I accidentally broke X”, “I’m sorry I misplaced Y”. There was never any safe space for me to see it’s okay to make mistakes or errors, it’s human.
I was very scared of his anger, I lived on egg shells from the first few months of him moving into our home and for the rest of my childhood and early adulthood.
Lying became my biggest way to attempt to avoid his wrath.
His behaviour made me hyper sensitive and afraid of people and lying became an instinctual reaction to whenever I would mess up around others. So desperate not to provoke anyone to react the way he did, so conditioned into believing that is how everyone reacts when you make small mistakes.
My lying is something I am not always consciously aware of but I do try to correct myself for the most part but this is not an easy feat.
People are unsympathetic when it comes to lying, even when it isn’t intended to hurt, it can still cause massive distrust. I am not saying it should be overlooked, not at all, but underlying reasons should be sought and understood before passing judgement.
To weigh up whether a person is unrepentant and has no conscience or whether at one point, a person simple had to lie to get through life, to cope, to avoid another day of strict punishment.

Christmas bitterness

Despite having a shaky start in the build up to Christmas, yesterday was fantastic.
No anxiety, no sadness, no tears.
Of course it played on my mind about how my biological family didn’t give a fuck but my partner’s mum reminded me, “you’re part of our family now, never forget that you are loved”.
I was sent a screen shot of my mom’s Facebook, in a typical self absorbed fashion, she wrote a passive aggressive status trying to upset me and my partner’s family, whilst simultaneously trying to make herself look like “the good guy”.
We were all pissed off until we realised, who’s missing out? Leave them to their bitterness and hate.
I won’t get into specifics but she was trying to make out that she was being prevented from seeing my son and act like the caring grandmother. She didn’t send anyone a message to see how his day was, send a card, she promised to send him gifts which of course never turned up. Nobody is stopping her from anything, she chose her dirty husband over everyone else in her life, she told everyone that she no longer wanted them in her life because they believed and supported me. She chooses a life of denial and as much as I love her, I can’t let her prevent me from being happy in life.